Ever wondered why some friendships stand the test of time while others drift apart? Marielle Segarra, host of NPR’s Life Kit, shares insightful strategies to nurture enduring friendships amidst life’s chaos.
Understanding Effort in Friendships
It’s a familiar situation—having a cherished friend who rarely makes plans to meet up. Despite caring deeply for them, you find yourself feeling frustrated. This scenario is common, especially with geographical distance or busy schedules. Nina Badzin, host of “Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship,” emphasizes that friendships require effort, although it might not always look the same for everyone.
NINA BADZIN: “I really believe that we just need to redefine what effort looks like because we all have very different skill sets. And even with an old friend that we know very well, it’s still – we’re all human and it’s still hard not to expect other people to do friendship exactly the way we do or exactly the way it was always done between you and this friend.”
Segarra suggests observing how friends express effort differently—whether it’s remembering your birthday, sending a supportive text, or initiating a spontaneous FaceTime call. Also, consider discussing your feelings with them. You might say, “I love the time we spend together, and I don’t mind that I make a lot of the plans, but…”
BADZIN: “I would like to know that you really want these invitations. And so, every so often, if you could initiate one. And it gives a friend the opportunity to say, oh, I’m so glad you said something. I love that you reach out first because I just can’t get myself together to even see on my calendar when I would have a date opening. A conversation can happen then, and you can’t have a conversation if you don’t bring it up.”
Key Traits of Lasting Friendships
According to Badzin, enduring friendships typically share two characteristics.
BADZIN: “One is people don’t keep score. Or they might keep score, but they check themselves on that.”
The second trait involves giving each other the benefit of the doubt.
BADZIN: “Like, they assume the best of their friends.”
This means if a friend fails to text back or goes quiet for a while, it’s likely they are dealing with their own challenges. A lapse in communication doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t care. If something they do is hurtful, they probably didn’t intend it. Discuss it with them when you’re ready.
BADZIN: “There is a quote I love by a former guest of mine. Ruchi Koval is her name, and she’s an educator. She’s a relationship coach. And she said there are people who never disappoint us, and those people are called acquaintances.”
Badzin notes that forgiveness and humility are crucial for sustaining long-term friendships.
BADZIN: “It really requires humility to assume the best because what it – what that means – assuming the best means I don’t know the whole story, so I’m going to assume there’s some information I don’t have.”
Embracing Change in Friendships
One final piece of advice from Badzin is to allow friends the freedom to evolve.
BADZIN: “Most of us want to be able to develop and change our minds about things. There’s not a lot of hope in the world if we have to keep all the same opinions and interests that we had from the time we were, you know, 10 years old, 15, even 20s, even 30s. It’s really important to give your friends space to try different ways of living.”
As life brings various experiences like career changes, health challenges, and personal growth, be there for your friends. Support them, and embrace both who they are and who they are becoming.
For more insights from Life Kit, visit npr.org/lifekit.
This article was originally written by www.npr.org
